Two Weeks In

So it's been 2 weeks now since I decided to change my lifestyle.  No, not go on a diet.  Change the way I think about and behave with food.  There have been ups and there have been downs, but mostly ups so I'm pretty please.  Baby steps people, baby freaking steps.

I've grocery shopped 2 weeks in a row, and tomorrow will make 3 in a row.  I've bought healthy foods, prepped on the weekend, and brought breakfast and lunch to work every day for the last two weeks.  The only exception (and it was a BIG exception), was last Friday's quarterly meeting/lunch at Bucca di Beppo.  OY.  But with a little guidance from my clean eating fairy (thanks Mindles!), I made decent choices at Bucca and didn't go over.  I also had a date (ha!) Friday night, and we had pizza.  That was the meal that took me over plan.  But this time it was a totally different reaction from me.

I got right back to eating good the next day.  Whoa.  Who am I?  I'm not looking for ginormous weight loss, especially since my old football knee injury - that's my story and I'm sticking to it - has been acting up so I can't really get going with the workouts like I'd planned.  But breakfast, lunch and dinner have all been decidedly NOT fast food so that right there is a major accomplishment for me.  If you know me, then you know that for most of my adult life fast food has been my mainstay - usually 3 meals a day/7 days a week.  So you can see that is a hugemongous change right there.

I also realize that since I'm trying to have a life, I'm going to have to figure out how to eat when I go out.  That was tested this week as both Book Club and Wednesday Night Supper Club hit the same week.  Book Club was at Fadi's, and I scaled way back on what I would normally eat there by just having a beef kabob served on about a cup of rice.  WNSC was another story entirely.  Mario Sabino's on Lemmon.  OMG.  Yum.  But again, I went with beef and rice - had the skirt steak with charro beans and rice.  And not an entire bowl of chips and salsa, but I def didn't deprive myself of them either.  So it's all about choices I'm learning.

And on another front...choices.  So far I've made the choice to not see him.  But my willpower is shaky at best right now.  I'm not cutting him out of my life because, hey, I am in love with him, no matter how he does or doesn't feel.  But I haven't seen him in a few months even though we've been texting a lot.  I'll take that final step and burn the bridge when I'm ready.  I'm just not ready yet.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm going to rate current borderline madness as a 6.  It's not going as well as when I was actively in DBT, but I've got books and workbooks, and all my materials from DBT and so it's def better than before treatment.

Regrets, I've had a few...

Where I am now is EXACTLY where I was too scared to go almost 19 years ago - single and having to support myself and 2 kids.  I know, I know, they don't live with me so technically I'm not supporting them.  Tell that to my bank account?

19 years ago I was about to find out that my husband had been cheating on me with his co-worker.  But she wasn't just his co-worker, she was one of my best friends, or at least that's what I thought at the time.  We were all friends, and the 2 families did stuff together all the time.  Their daughter was exactly between my two in age and the three girls got along famously.  So did moms and dads.  One mom and one dad perhaps a little too well?

To say I was devastated at the news would be a massive understatement.  All this time and a divorce later, I can still remember exactly what I was doing (cleaning the holy heck out of our apartment as a surprise for him), what was playing on the radio (On My Front Porch Lookin' In by Lonestar), who told me (her husband), who I called first (his best friend) and where the girls were (still at Miss Debbie's daycare).  It was one of those pivotal, life-changing moments.  Or at least, it would have been if I wasn't such a wuss.

My mom flew in from Phoenix the next day after I begged her to please come and be with me.  I took the day off work and she went with me to see an attorney.  I'd always said that if he ever cheated on me (again) that would be it, the marriage would be over.  The attorney explained my options, explained that I would likely get some spousal support in addition to child support, and would more than likely get full custody of the girls.  We left her office that day with my mind made up - I was going to divorce him.  And then he came over the next day so we could tell the girls.

The girls were still very young; Gymnast girl had just turned 2 a few months prior, and Tech Theater chick was 3 1/2.  So they kind of didn't get it when we said that daddy wasn't going to live with us anymore.  But they kind of did, and started crying.  Then he started crying.  Then I started crying.  And made him leave.  But that wasn't the end.  No, he called me a few days later from (yet another) business trip and begged me to let him come home after the trip.  Too afraid to be alone?  Afraid of the unknown?  Scared how I could support the girls living in Southern CA?  I don't know, maybe all of the above plus other reasons.  But I said he could come home.

Fast forward to May 2007.  We had just enjoyed a nice weekend, including our very popular Game Night.  Now it's Monday morning and we're both slow to get out of bed - me because I'm depressed (and have been for about 12 years at this point) and him because...well, I wasn't sure.  Until he sat on the edge of the bed and said "I can't do it anymore".  WTH?  What was he talking about, can't do what anymore?  My  mind started racing - is he going to quit his job, stop helping with the girls' sports teams, what did he mean?  Cautiously, but with the slightest niggling idea growing in the back of my mind, I asked "do what?"

He left for work shortly after our discussion and I was numb.  I took the girls to school in a fog, and stopped by my friend's house to talk to her about it.  That's pretty much the last time I talked to any of my Bowie mom "friends".  He left work early to come home and pick up the check book and the girls, then went to put down a deposit on an apartment.  So many times we had walked down this road, and so many times I had scrambled and begged him not to leave.  But this time was different, this time I was done too.

Still afraid to be alone.  Still terrified of the unknown.  But this time the girls were teenagers, and he was making about five times as much money as he had been in L.A. so I wasn't as scared about the financial part.  Oh I knew I would have to get a job, but I also knew things would be ok until I did.

And now here I am, 19 years later, doing something that most of my life I never believed I could do - supporting myself.  It's taken a lot of time, and some help from unexpected places to get me here, but I'm here.  And after having just done my budget for this month, I'm actually doing just fine.  So as the song says, "I did what I had to do, and saw it through without exemption".  Yeah, I'm doing it my way.